Mom where are you?
Not when I washed my face.
Not when I lay down without changing.
Not when I woke up at three in the morning with my heart pounding.
I turned it on the next morning.
Twenty-seven missed calls.
A pile of texts.
I stared at that for a long time.
Mom where are you?
Please answer.
Mom please.
Then one came through that made my chest tighten.
Mom, please answer. It was for you.
I stared at that for a long time.
Then another.
I read the texts again.
Linda was hanging the banner. The kids were hiding in the den. Emma saw you leave from the window and now she won’t stop crying. Please, Mom. Please come back.
My throat closed.
I read the texts again.
I wasn’t sending you away. I just wanted everything ready. I wanted it to be perfect.
Perfect.
I answered and said nothing.
Then the phone rang.
Nick.
I almost let it ring out.
Almost.
But hope is stubborn, even when it should know better.
I answered and said nothing.
I looked at the stained curtain and waited.
“Mom?”
His voice sounded smaller than I remembered.
I still said nothing.
He let out a shaky breath. “I messed up.”
I looked at the stained curtain and waited.
“I thought 15 minutes wouldn’t matter,” he said. “I thought you’d wait. I didn’t think…”
I pressed my fingers to my mouth.
He stopped.
Then he said, more quietly, “Emma keeps saying, ‘Grandma thought we didn’t want her.’”
I closed my eyes.
“She was right,” I said.
“No.” His voice cracked. “No, that’s the part I got wrong. I acted like you were one more thing to manage. You came all this way, and I left you outside. I am so sorry.”
I sat down on the edge of the bed.
I pressed my fingers to my mouth.
In the background, I heard a child ask, “Is she coming back?”
Then another voice: “Tell Grandma I made the sign!”
Nick said, “Mom, please let me come get you.”
I sat down on the edge of the bed.
“I don’t know if I can walk back up that driveway,” I said.
He did not answer.
There was a pause.
Then he said, softly, “You won’t walk alone.”
I took a breath that shook.
“Do you know what it felt like to sit on that porch in a dress I bought just to visit you? To hear all of you inside laughing while I sat outside with my suitcase like I was too embarrassing to bring in early?”
He did not answer.
He was quiet so long I thought the call had dropped.
“Do you know what it felt like to realize you were certain I would just accept it? That I would smile and excuse it because you meant well?”
